Coping With Grief and Loss, and Normalizing it.
-Birth Mother Adoption Information
Nicole Hunka, ACW Open Adoption Family Services
Grief, mourning, and bereavement are experiences
most commonly associated with a loss that resulted
from a death of a loved one. Grief, mourning and
bereavement are often mistakenly overlooked, or
minimized, in regard to other experiences of loss
such as, the breakup of a relationship, a divorce,
losing a job, and for a birth mother, adoption or the
process of giving up a child. In each of these examples,
as well as others, grief is a real, valid, and
appropriate feeling and response.
While several individuals can be involved in a
very similar event (ie., loss of a job, death
of a child, placing a child up for adoption),
it is important to note that no one will have
the exact experience of that event. In other words,
200 birth mothers can make the decision to place
their children for adoption, but due to the life experiences,
age, personality, support or lack of support,
medical complications, previous births, religion,
culture, and a host of other issues, each of the
birth mother adoption experiences will to some degree,
be different (be it very different, or
only slightly different). Therefore, birthmother support is essential. While it
can be of great benefit to discuss with others,
their experience of a similar situation, a person
should be aware that there may be differences
in those experiences, which is quite okay. Generally,
birth mothers and others dealing with grief may
experience in any particular order, denial of
the situation, sadness/depression, anger, bargaining
(i.e, “well if I...,” or “If
I just…..then…..can happen”),
and acceptance of the situation.
For those dealing with such an experience, it
can be helpful to seek out a friend or someone familiar with birthmother support
to talk with regarding these feelings. A birthmother support
system (friends, others who have had this experience,
etc) can be of immense benefit and importance
for a person experiencing grief. For those who
want to be of help and support to an individual
or birth mother experiencing grief, the following
are helpful interventions:
The key points of Birthmother Support
1. LISTEN. Sometimes it’s more helpful to
be present and say nothing, than to offer
advice.
2. Be empathetic. Do not force your opinions or
agenda on the grieving person or birth mother. This is not a time
to be critical or judgmental. Try to listen and
understand what the person is saying and going
through.
3. Watch your language! It is best not to say,
“I can understand what you are going through,”
especially if you haven’t had the experience
of placing a child up for adoption.
4. Offer Referrals: If the grieving person appears
deeply depressed or in need of professional assistance,
be helpful by seeking and providing phone numbers of open adoption family services in your area.
5. Ask! Instead of trying to be helpful (unguided),
ask if there is any particular way that you offer
the birthmother support. (But at the
same time, it is always nice to “do nice
things” for the person).
