When a, adoption situation does not work out:
If your family is matched with a child waiting in foster care, you generally ARE the family unless you do not decide to move forward. Information about your family will be presented to the child and he or she will be prepared for the transition. Not every match will ultimately result in a child placement when dealing with birth parents. A voluntary adoption plan is a difficult choice and no matter how well counseled or how intent the birth parent is on placement, he or she may reconsider placing the child with you for one reason or another.
When a birth parent gives birth and decides to take the baby home, it important to remember “never to burn bridges”. Often a birth parent, after attempting to parent for a few days or weeks, we determine that the child would be better off placed in your family. By leaving your heart and home open to the birth parent and child, you have invited the placement to move forward. Additionally, there have been times that a birth parent encounters the same situation in terms of an unplanned pregnancy in the future. By being faithful to any open adoption arrangements, a birth parent will first consider you for any possible subsequent placements.
Why do Birth Parents Change thier Minds?
There can be numerous factors that may result in a birth parent changing their mind about a placement. The true course of the placement can never be predicted. Emotions run high for a birth parent after the birth, regardless of how much counseling or relationship building events that have been provided. Generally, there are three time periods during which a reversal may happen.
• Child Birth
At the time of the child’s birth, the situation will suddenly become very real. They see the child’s face and see themselves. This may result in emotions for which they are unprepared. Birth parents who have had little or no counseling as well as emotionally immature parents, may change their mind. At this time, the counselor would provide support as well as guidance in what had originally brought the birth parent to an adoption plan. Sometime this refocus will help other times the birth parent will decide to take the child home.
• The “48” Hour Mark
Approximately 48 hours after the birth of the baby, the mother’s breast milk production will begin. Her hormones will rage and this will result in her emotions being taken to the extreme. Additionally, most mother’s are being discharged from the hospital, without the baby. Leaving “empty handed” may seem impossible to them. The birth mother will find herself easily crying or yelling at those closest to her. Some birth mother’s will interpret these emotions as “making a mistake” and a reversal may result. If the birth mother has had counseling, she will be reminded of this period and hopefully she will be refocused to her plan. If the birth parent can make it past this period, the probability of placement is good.
• The Surrender
When the time comes to make the decision of adoption permanent, the reality may hit the birth parents hard. Making an adoption plan final is a heart-wrenching decision and its is very difficult to complete. Women who are comfortable with the adoptive family and trust their commitment to whatever openness arrangements that have been agreed upon, will be more able to make it past this final process.
When a placement doesn’t move forward, your family will feel a sense of loss. It is important to remember that your path to parenthood may have obstacles but the child that is meant to find you will. Don’t give up. Don’t take the situation personally. Get back into the process with the same level of enthusiasm you had when you first began. When dealing with birth parents, it important not to compare all situations and parents. Just because one birth parent reversed her decision does not mean the next one will too. Do not be afraid to begin another relationship with a birth parent because of a failure. It will eventually happen for you. If counseling is needed to help with any feeling of loss or confusion, contact your agency “touch” person.
