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Birth Mother Empathy
Being chosen by a birth mother can be a very exciting
moment for an adoptive family. The feelings of
joy that your dreams of having a child to parent
are coming true can be overwhelming. In experiencing
this happiness, it is sometimes difficult to remember
and understand that there is another person who
can be experiencing extreme loss and sadness at not
being a parent. The circumstances that a birthmother may be experiencing that cause her to feel
that choosing adoption will give her child the
best opportunity, may involve situations that one
may never be able to fathom themselves in.
It is important for adoptive families to remember
that although choosing adoption would be the logical
choice for birthmothers, it is also a very
difficult and emotional decision to make. Given
different life situations, most birth mothers would
choose to parent. Most birth mothers are not choosing
adoption because they do not want to parent, but
because they want a different situation for their
child to be raised in.
When the birth mother delivers her child, an adoptive
family can be experiencing a range of emotions
from excitement and joy to nervousness that a birth
mother may change her mind. It is very important
for an adoptive family to understand that there
is always that chance that a birth mother may change
her mind and choose to parent. It is also important
to keep in mind that a birth mother may need time
to contemplate her decision after the baby is born.
She may need more than 72 hours to make a life
changing decision for herself and her child.
If an adoptive family is faced with the situation
where a birth mother is rethinking her decision
to follow through with her adoption plan, it is
important to be understanding of these feelings
of uncertainty. It may be difficult to be understanding
at this time because as an adoptive parent you
may be experiencing loss and disappointment if
the adoption plan does not go through, but remember
there is a person on the other side that is experiencing
these feelings much more intensely.
Some things to remember when working with a birth
mother:
- It is normal for a birth mother to rethink
her decision or have doubts about her adoption
plan during her pregnancy; this is a life changing
decision for the birth mother and her child.
- A birthmother may also change her mind in
the amount of openness she is wanting. A birth
mother may feel more comfortable following through
with her adoption plan if she feels that her decision
is not ending her connection with her child.
It often helps birth mothers to know that their
birth child is doing well.
- Being empathetic requires one to imagine
themselves in someone else’s shoes. If
you are matched with a birthmother, imagine
yourself in her life circumstances. Ask yourself
what you would do if you had no family support,
were living in poverty or whatever the circumstances
may be, and ask yourself how you would be
feeling if choosing adoption for your unborn
child was your only option.
Adoption is a wonderful experience and as adoptive
parents, you should feel free to have feelings of
joy and happiness as this is an exciting time
for you. A Child's Waiting provides adoption information for asssiting adoptive parents
show sensitivity to the feelings of the birth mother.
We also help adoptive parents be more aware that while they are
feeling joy, there is a birth mother who is experiencing
sadness.
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