Adoption Disruption is an Option

• The child is an inappropriate match to your family (there are no bad children, only bad matches in adoption)
• The adoption agency failed to prepare you for the special needs of the child
• The child had poor preparation for the adoption process
• There are unrealistic expectations of the child or the adoptive parents experience
• Your parenting style conflicts with techniques the child responds to the best
• Lack of a strong support system for your family or you have relatives that disagree with your adoption
• Lack of support from your adoption agency
• Failure to assess services for the child that may be needed
• The child has emotional or attachment issues or past abuse that were unknown to you or were not disclosed at the time of placement by the adoption agency
• The dynamics of your home do not match the characteristics that your child requires
• Your family hasn’t integrated or blended despite efforts
• Family stress factors (financial or marital problems, unresolved infertility issues, etc.) that make it difficult to work with the child’s needs

Your Feelings Right Now

You have been through several emotions to be considering an adoption disruption and dissolution. You may have felt them all or only a few. Some maybe resolved and others maybe ongoing and effecting all avenues in your life. Your relationship with a significant other, the adopted child as well as other children in the home, or extended family members may suffer. It may also permeate into your friendships and work life.

Anger or resentment
You may be angry that the adoption is not meeting your expectations. You maybe upset that your child has repeated behaviors that do not falter despite your efforts. This anger is affecting all of your relationships as well as your parenting and you resent the child. (Have you let go of the anger?)

Sadness/Depression
You may have a deep sadness over how your family is functioning. You may question yourself as a parent or take on unnecessary blame. It is sad when a family is dissolving. (Have you looked to make a change?)

Denial
You may try to make yourself believe that everything will be okay when in actuality; all aspects of your family are falling apart. (Are you looking at yourself, the child and the situation as a whole realistically?)

Panic
What are you going to do? You are panicking about how to save your family as well as your child. (Have you looked at all if your options?)

Acceptance
You have accepted that your home is not in the child’s best interest. You strive to find the best possible setting for the child. You realize that no one is to blame. You recognize that you are not giving up but rather, as a parent, making the best choice for your son or daughter. (Are you ready to let go?)

What Have You Done to Prevent an Disruption?

Before considering an adoption disruption and dissolution, there are several factors that you should first address:

• What interventions have I put in place for my child?
• What interventions have I put in place for my partner or children?
• What have I done to educate myself about the needs of my child?
• What have I done to accommodate the needs of the adoptive child and my family?
• Have I made every possible attempt to attach and bond with my child even if they are rejecting of me? Have I given the child a chance to attach and bond with me? (One month for every year of life before you see any slight changes)
• Am I taking the behaviors that my child is demonstrating personally rather than looking objectively at what my child went through before coming home?
• What supports have I put in place for my family?
• Are my expectations realistic?
• Is this a temporary crisis or have interventions failed?
• Have I tried to modify my lifestyle and/or parent techniques to meet the child’s needs?
• Is there anything that I haven’t as an adoptive parent tried that may help?
• What is best for my adoptive child and family? Is it my family or another that can best help my child reach his or her potential?
• Have you put your child’s needs before your own?

If you have tried the items above without changes in the situation then an adoption dissolution and replacement maybe in your child and family’s best interest. You need to think of what is best for your child and sometimes another adoptive family may be the answer that he or she needs.

What steps are needed in a replacement?

In order to replace your child, you should work in conjunction with a counselor trained in replacement services. They should also have knowledge of issues such as Reactive Attachment Disorder, Institutionalization (for children adopted from orphanages) or other problematic issues. They should also be experienced in Adjustment Issues and common “testing behaviors” that will often occur during the transition. It is important that you work cooperatively with this counselor so that a valid assessment can be conducted. You must release several types of documents and reports so that counselor can have a comprehensive understanding of your child’s needs. The assessment will include interviews with your family and any therapists currently working with your son or daughter. Additionally, there will be a review of any information that you received about the adoptive child at the time of placement into your home. The counselor will also review the child’s health records, educational transcripts and any psychological reports or psychiatric testing that has been conducted. Your family may not of had the opportunity to fully understand the child’s issues before you took on the responsibility of being adoptive parents. The new adoptive family will have this benefit and know “what they are getting into”. All needed interventions and safety plans can be put in place before the child arrives in the home. Matching the child’s needs with potential adoptive families will ensure that the chances of a successful replacement.

Once the assessment has been completed, potential adoptive families will be considered. They will receive full disclosure of information (excluding identifying information about your family). Additionally, the potential adoptive families will be interviewed extensively by the counselor to determine their understanding of the child’s needs, assess to services that are required, as well as any personal experience they may have with the issues being presented. As the legal parent, you make the final decision about where the child is replaced. The counselor will be able to provide you with information about possible adoptive families that can be considered.

Any emotional attachments that your child has should be reported to the counselor. Children should be able to maintain any positive attachments that they have during and after the transition into the new placement. Broken attachments can further damage the child and make the work towards attachment in the new home more difficult. There is a range of openness with the child that your family can consider after the placement. Letters and pictures through the agency to continued phone or email contact can be considered. Some families continue to have visits throughout the child’s life. As the child’s parents, you need to determine the level of attachment to individuals in his or her life as well as what level of openness with which your family feels comfortable. In the event that a biological sibling is remaining in your home, it is strongly recommended that there be some type of continued contact. The counselor can guide you on what is best during the assessment phase of the replacement.

Once an adoptive family has been identified, your family has the option to look at pictures that represent the lifestyle of the potential adoptive parents or even talk to them on the phone or in person. Getting to know more about the family may make you feel more comfortable about the replacement, knowing that your child’s need’s will be met. Additionally, when it comes time to talk to the child about the replacement, you will have more information to share when asked questions. Telling your child about the replacement will be very difficult, but the counselor will guide you. They will instruct you on when, what and how to talk to the child about the replacement (whenever possible, do not tell the child until instructed to do so by the counselor).

After the family has been identified, the legal aspect of the adoption disruption and replacement will begin. An agency or attorney needs to assist in terminating your parental rights. Some states require a court appearance by your family while others are done by signing the surrenders in front of a notary, attorney or adoption agency representative. You will be told the specifics of the process based on your residential state requirements by the agency counselor assisting you.

You should begin gathering the following documentation for the termination:

Original birth certificate
Original social security card
Original adoption decrees
Medicaid card (if applicable)
Subsidy information (if applicable)

If adopted internationally:
Original passport
Citizenship certificate (if applicable)

Once a timeline for the terminations have been established, a transition plan is put into place. At this time, it will be determined when the child will be told, what type of time-frame the transition will occur within as well as what type of pre-placement visitation/communications may be appropriate. Sometimes, it is in the child’s best interest to be moved immediately where other times, a gradual introduction maybe more appropriate. It is imperative to work with the agency counselor during this pre-placement period to facilitate a smoother transition.

What to tell the child

Honesty is always the best way to handle to emotional process of telling the child about the replacement. It is not the child’s fault but rather factors that have occurred in the family system up to this point. The child must come to understand that just because they are being replaced, that they are still a lovable person. You, as the adult, must accept the responsibility for the replacement, regardless of the perceived situation that precipitated the replacement. In order to help your child transit, you must give them permission to be happy somewhere else. You must not blame the child for the disruption or they will carry it with them into the next placement making the adjustment even more difficult.

A few phrases that maybe appropriate are listed below:

• “It’s not your fault”
• “Maybe we weren’t the family that was meant to be your forever family. Maybe we were meant to get you out of (foster care/ the orphanage) and help you get to your forever family”
• “Our family isn’t the best family for you, you deserve a family who can take care of you the way you need to be able to be taken care of”.
• “I/We love you and we want what is best for you. We can not meet your needs”.
• “We have found a counselor who has looked the world over and he/she found a family that is right for you”

The adoption agency counselor will be there to guide you through the process. Any questions can be answered by him or her. Below lists some basic do’s and don’ts.

Do’s

• Be honest
• Accept responsibility for adoption dissolution and the replacement
• Show empathy for the adoptive child’s feelings
• Encourage closure with friends and family members (have a small get together, give the child a camera and address book for information about his/her friends, etc.)
• Send all important toys, past Lifebooks, copies of any birth family photos or baby pictures of the child (if available), and pictures of your family currently.

Dont’s

• Do not leave them with a false hope of future communication if that is something that may not happen.
• Do not lead them to believe that there is chance that they can return “if they are good” if it’s not true.
• Do not blame the child for the disruption.
• Do not glorify the new adoptive family. (Be honest about their home, the family characteristics and any basic facts that you know. Share the family photos or video if available to ease questions and fears of the unknown)

Generally, the date of placement is the same day papers are signed starting the termination of your parental rights. This will be a very emotional day for your entire family. It is appropriate for the child to see this sadness. Remember, hugs and kisses should be given just before the child leaves. Encourage the child to make good choices, to listen to his new family, and to always work towards his or her best at whatever they try.

What’s next?

Once your parental rights have been completely terminated, it is important to inform the child’s school about the change in custody. You must also notify your insurance company or the Medicaid case worker about the placement change. Finally, if your child was receiving Federal or State subsidies or any other program inclusions, you should call and have the funds suspended or transferred to the new adoptive family. In the event that the child was adopted internationally, post-placement reports or requirements for registration with the Country Consulate should be reported to the replacement family.

Time to grieve and heal

Your family will need time to deal with the replacement emotionally. The loss of the child can be devastating. You may need to start individual, couple, or family counseling to deal with the child’s removal as well as tackle other issues that may have arisen during the crisis. It is important to remember, it’s no one fault.

Follow through with any openness arrangements are imperative. In general, knowing the child is functioning better in his or her new setting will offer some peace to you. The child will also know that you didn’t abandon them if communication was expected. It is important to know that eventually, everything will work itself out and be alright for all involved.

Your child will also need time to grieve and heal from the loss of your family. Statistically, children who are replaced do not disrupt again. Behaviors that may have been demonstrated in your home may completely disappear in a new setting after stabilization. Children are often times more resilient than adults and they can more readily adapt to new environments. If a solid assessment was completed on your family and a good match was made by the agency counselor, your child should be able to heal, attach, and achieve.

(See also "Indicators of Adoption Disruption")

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